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Tuesday, 03 November 2009

can't afford to repay

it stabs my heart deeply to see the aging faces of my parents.
those grey hairs, those wrinkles, those dry and loose complexion of their hands.
if i look at them a little longer, i will possibly cry.

cry, not because simply because of what i see...
but of what hidden, the reasons which made them old.

bringing me n brother up, it was never an easy task.

i remember when i was being rebellious, the tears that i brought to them
i remember when i asked to enter an expensive college, the hard-earned money they spent
i remember when i was a spoilt kid, all the things they got me - nice car, cash & holidays.

but why?
now that i am earning my own living, i can't afford to repay them?
why is there the need of them still working at this old age?
i feel very sorry.

for well-being families, probably it doesn't hit them that badly because their parents are independent financially but too bad, i don't fall into the same category. My parents are not financially doing well, unlike how we used to many years back, before my dad got sued by government for bribery in his business. They earn only enough, and never have extra for anything else, for leisure.

I wish I could, afford a better living for them, the SAME one that they used to offer me.

being parents, they never want me to repay, from every aspect.
they do not want monthly allowance from me, even though they are not doing well but at the same time, they are also worried of my financial status. No matter how many times i assured them i earn more than enough, they still turn down my offer.

i do the very least i could now, trying my best to give them the luxury they used to have.

THEN:
food-lover dad didn't mind the cost or distance that we need to pay or travel, at all, for the thrill of our tastebuds!
NOW:
i bring them for good food, or sometimes expensive dinners whenever i have the chance to. From street food to 5-star buffet to fine dining, you name it.

THEN:
who says you could only travel during holidays?! with my dad, we used to travel averagely ONCE A MONTH!!! although we never used to travel overseas but it was enough luxury for us to stay in at expensive hotels or resorts on each and every one of our getaways.
NOW:
i try my best to plan trips for them, paying for their accommodations & if necessary, transportation to beaches in Malaysia; at the same time, hoping that my parents get some time being together, as an old partner for many years to each other, away from the children and tension life they have here.

if you think i'm doing a great job - NO, I AM NOT!!!

what i want is, REALLY offering them a WHOLE PACKAGE of life:
a house, a car, allowance, leisure, etc.

they deserve it!
but i can't affod it...
so what shit am i talking bout now?

sometimes i am frustrated with myself, at the pace of me building my career path. I should have done something better few years back and by now, i should be able to share their burden but i know, it's no use having these thoughts...

i'm giving myself another 5 years
daddy mummy, please be patient and bear with me for another 5 years.
i MUST achieve what i wish for, to repay both of you the luxuries & love that you had been drowning me with. I'm a grown-up now, and it's no longer just a kiddo conversation that i said, "when i grow up, i wanna buy a house for daddy mummy"... this round, i'm going to make it come true.

Please, stop aging.
It hurts me.

I love you, dad & mum.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

meeting the parents

does it mean something special to you,
when your partner is willing to meet up with your parents?
like officially.

my boyfriend (nama manja: fungie)- being an introvert and someone who forever couldn't find his words - always have problem making the very first move. He has communication problem even with his own family members, let alone mine. It's hard to explain why, to make things easier for you to understand - as long as there is an emotion issue trapped in his heart, he will then forever and ever have issue dealing with that person, until someone clear it up for him. That's the reason for 2.5 years we have been going out together, he hasn't met my daddy till now.

even the time fungie casually meeting up with my mum, i had to play a little trick to get things around.

he has the fear in him, to see my dad again...
but NO! i don't see him as a coward, as there is a reason behind...

My dad had misunderstood him 2.5 years ago, during my divorce. Poor fungie, he was being stalked by my dad, and the minute my boyfriend got down from his car, my dad rushed to him to warn him sternly to leave me and my family alone. It of course gave him a shock!

when we started going out as an item, my dad hated the idea so so much that he even refuse to see me, for a period of time. Fungie felt very sad and ashamed, he convinced himself to believe what my dad said, that he is the person who had destroyed my marriage. That has created a even bigger gap between my dad & fungie.

Life with fungie has been good.
my parents started seeing the difference in my life - in a good way, comparing to the nightmare that I had gone thru previously with my ex-husband... and slowly, they give us their blessings. Thank god, daddy at the same time understand fungie personality and didn't give pressure or push fungie for getting involve in family outings or dinners.

Finally, today is the day!
Fungie is meeting up with my parents for dinner, as a birthday celebration for my dad!

don't ask me why fungie finally nodded his head to my proposal, he's a weird person anyway, unpredictable mind! the most important thing is, I'M MAD HAPPY!!!

i booked ourselves an expensive dinner at a decent restaurant, even customized the menu to suit my dad's tastebud... all i can say is, i'm freaking excited about this! and just when I thought I am the only person feeling so...

eh, what liquor ur dad likes?
why?
erm, tot of bringing a gift la, not nice go empty handed
anything la, my dad very cincai one. he wouldn't mind if empty-handed also
cannot, have to bring something geh
okay... eh, i'm imagining our conversation at dinner table
what?
will you talk? i know u r not good at it but it'll be awkward if u don't
i know, that's the reason i wanna bring liquor for ur dad

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!)

u need to be drunk oni can talk meh? haha
erm, scared one mah.
then wat if my dad don't talk to u?
har? u dun make me stress laaaaaa!!!

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

i couldn't stop laughing, looking at how he feels uncomfortable preparing himself for the dinner.

joke aside, his decision this round does mean A LOT to me. Considering his personality, if he is willing to take the courage to breakthrough this to meet up with my parents, it only means how serious he is towards this relationship. All the committments he had made and all the love he has shown me, is nothing greater than the meaningful dinner we are going to have tonight. I'm touched...

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

when my mind isn't thinking straight

i had some flashbacks in my mind yesterday.
arguements, insecurity, doubts.

most of the time, i keep saying:
i've done my best, i've changed so much;
if it's not enough, gimme some time, i'll do better.

because of my past, i treasure this relationship more than everything else. I've invested all my heart, hoping that with my most sincere love, i could maintain a good relationship. I quit playing around with flirtatious guys, I quit layan-ing guys who try their ways to know me, I make sure guys whom I know at night spots are purely one-night event (without the "fun"), I never keep any numbers of these guys. I've changed to a person who look forward to be home, just to cuddle in with my love one, which now has become what matter the most to me.

yeah, i am so totally different... so much so that i surprise my mum, my frens & myself!
i take care of house chores, which i never used to or didn't need to.
from someone who can't good at all, I've learned and cook good meals now.
learned when to shut my mouth, unlike how i used to babble sooooo much.
controlling my temper and start to be understanding

i'm not sad nor i regret to be who I am today.
anyway, i've had my fair share of fun and it's time to tone down a little.
most importantly, trust me, i'm really enjoying it.

only that, when i've done so much, i am afraid of losing.
i can't afford that.
maybe it's my personality, i hate losing game.

i never believe that life couldn't move on without anyone else in this world. Considering that I had dealt with many relationships in the past, what is another heartbreak? after some tears, i know for sure i will move on BUT i dowan that! i really dowan that!!!

mum told me once, that every man will try that forbidden fruit at least once in their life.
long-term or short-term, it's in your hand...
how discouraging!

it's silly but it has make me thinking.
as long as i've done my best, i swear to god that i've given him everything i'm suppose to as a good girlfriend, should i have no fear of competition?

let him be.
sweet young thing or a hot diva, either way, at least at the back of his clear mind, he knows who is giving him sincerity in heart & treat him the best. Hopefully he know his way home, and i shall just keep quiet, at the same time glad that at last, I am still the winner of his heart.

*slap myself*

Shit! I'm thinking too much!

p/s: i'm in a lovey-dovey stage in my relationship, nothing happened. like what the title of this entry says, when my mind isn't thinking straight, i see scenarios due to the flashbacks of the past (partially also because he's outstation and i felt lonely at home), thus this entry.

argh! just another emo piece of mind.

Monday, 19 October 2009

...full of emo-ism...

i wrote a long post of randomness and deleted it...
it sounded very emo, i didn't like it.

hate backstabbing. hate tai-chi master.
hate story-twister. hate office politics.

i know i will still blog emo entry even now. FML.
okay la, let's blame it on monday.

i dowan to make your monday worse, so i decided not to continue.
shit, another piece of randomness.

i think i will shuffle away now, and try to think happy thoughts:

yellow rubber duckie
what to wear for my upcoming international conference?
i wanna look elegantly corporate and yet not boring
going to shop for some wear for my upcoming cooling HK trip
..................
..................

leave me alone.
bye.

a really old pic, telling u how bad i wanna be slim.
bluek.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Hatyai and the aftermath, SLIMMING!

Believe it or not, i actually forgotten bout this space that i've created; i mean, i didn't think of posting anything AT ALL and yes, i do feel guilty.

I notice when life is good, i never will think of xanga.
on the other hand, when i'm hurt or sad, xanga came straight into my mind.
mayb i should lock my xanga & make it a space where i throw all my frustrations & anger thoughts... erm, now i sound like someone i know, who is obviously DUH! doing the same thing.

Priorities in life change when you've seen more, experience more & bang-on-the-wall more. I used to like sharing all bout myself with the public but it's not the same anymore. What's the purpose of doing so, i asked myself? It's like giving others something to comment about, to tease about, etc... all that is beyond your control.

Agree? Agree?
did i just demotivated somebody from blogging? hahahahhaa....

please ignore whateva i said, because i will still be sharing, only WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT...

Pictures!

...i likey my flying heart tatt...

had a hell lot of great (but scary) experience from a shooting range, which serves as a training base for Thai Police in Hatyai, Thailand.

i never thought the shooting sound is THAT LOUD!!! it hurts my eardrum like a bitch wei... i then imagine bullet wars among police & robbers, them without ear-plugs, i wonder how many of them are actually deaf. Plus, the sound "PIANG" really gave a "THUMP" effect to my heart, it's SCARY.

i hate the impact caused, the moment when the bullet is shot, fucking feel like i can't control the pistol when it draws back after the shot. i only tried 10 bullets, my arms were already tired like hell... seriously, the weight of the pistol, the impact of the shoots and the position of your arm = STRESSSSS!!!

after the experience, i can't help but keep imagining the pain if one day i were accidentally being shoot; i think i will say, "please don't bother to save me, just fucking chop my leg off!"... yeah, it is THAT scary & i swear it is surely going to be THAT muthafuckingly painful, too.

H1N1, or if some people prefer to call it Influenza something *roll eyes* being the trend, we prepared ourselves some face-masks. Elderly all babble: "Thailand ar? Highest death rate in Asia wei, don't play play!"... blah blah blah, me youngster, so DON'T like to listen to elderly one, HAHAHAHAHHAA...

Considering Thailand is already so fucking HOT, breathing with the masks on had definitely increased the heat. I stopped wearing those masks like 2 hours after that and went mask-less for the rest of the trip.

some typical cam-whoring

I actually took A LOT of photos from that trip but sadly, only a few of them I'm satisfied with.

Trust me, i HATE looking at those pics:
Arms looking like pig thighs,
Broad waist looking like tree trunk,
Belly no longer looking like just a muffin top but more like a overstuffed muffin going to explode!
(some pics look slim because i started the art of photoshop, haha!)

Stop telling me i look fine, i know my body the best!

very very disappointed, I started doing a lot of comparisons among a few slimming specialist centres around town. I am somehow amazed how many different kind of packages one offer and YES, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND!

I signed-up with a local slimming centre, Bizzy Body, which claims to be the first in Malaysia to guarantee weight loss... sound very much like just another sales gimmick.

After certain tests, according to my height, my ideal weight is supposingly 50kg. Whereas to look slim, I was being advised to go for 48kg. Shut up! Don't tell me it's too thin because I used to be 47kg and I LIKE IT!!!

Guess how much I weight, the time I stepped into Bizzy Body?
a freaking 57kg!!!

It's expensive, definitely costing me a limb BUT after 1.5 weeks, believe it or not, I've lost 3kg & 12 inches!
I'm VERY confident that this is going to work, so worth my money!

My heart still ache thinking of the money I've spent but I'm not going to be selfish and keep the remedy myself though. I want to share with ladies who are interested (and determined) to slim down:

Going through 1-month Sugar Blockage Diet & In-house Treatments:

- Within a month, STRICTLY NO sugar, rice, noodle, bread, flour related food, sauce like ketchup, oyster, gravy for food, etc etc.
- 3 litres of water a day (can drink tea / coffee but without sugar)
- beer lover, you can still drink beer, hahahahha... (but limit to once a week)
- Day 1-3: EGGS + MILK, 3 meals a day
- Day 4-7: Starts eating SEAFOOD + MEAT, cheese + oil is allowed =)
- Week 2: Add in some greens - VEGETABLE or herbs
- Week 3: Starting to look more interesting with FRUITS as additional choice
- Week 4: Eat like normal again, except sugar, rice, noodle, bread, flour.

The reason of this diet is not entirely because of slimming purposes, it is actually a diet to get my body system partially cleanse and also to be back to normal diet that everyone should have.

For me, I normally eat the portion of 2 adults, SERIOUSLY!!!
For example, (i hope i won't scare you) when I cook dinner for myself & fungie, I cook 3 dishes + 1 soup, with 1.5 mugs of rice. Those portions are mend for 3 adults one lor but we both can finish everything! Plus, I can still continue to fry chicken la, eat bread la like 2-3 hours after meal... =__________=

now, I'm in my 2nd week, eating meats, seafood + vegetable. I notice myself eating much smaller portion than before, which actually is the normal portion that everyone else is having. Most importantly is, i NEVER starve or even feel hungry during the diet period. =)

i should have done this diet thing a long time ago but i know myself, i will give up like 2-3 days after that. Now that I am being monitored by the slimming specialist every now and then, with URINE TEST some more, i have no escape!

So far, I am happy lar... As long as I can see result with my own eyes.

I personally think the treatments help a lot too, in terms of firming your complexion & clearing off the killer cellulites! Hate cellulites, make my thighs look like I've given birth to a million babies! Other than that, would be normal treatments like wrapping (but with ginseng oil, yay!) + hot blanket to burn fats.

I have another 9 treatments, which is equivalent to another 1.5 months.

Pray hard that I achieved the guaranteed 6kg and inches promised...
If I don't, they will gimme additional sessions, until I lose the guaranteed kgs by them, nice right?
if i do, I PROMISE I WILL post my before and after photo of myself, for your viewing pleasure.
How about that? *ngiek ngiek ngiek*

See ya!