it stabs my heart deeply to see the aging faces of my parents.
those grey hairs, those wrinkles, those dry and loose complexion of their hands.
if i look at them a little longer, i will possibly cry.

cry, not because simply because of what i see...
but of what hidden, the reasons which made them old.

bringing me n brother up, it was never an easy task.

i remember when i was being rebellious, the tears that i brought to them
i remember when i asked to enter an expensive college, the hard-earned money they spent
i remember when i was a spoilt kid, all the things they got me - nice car, cash & holidays.

but why?
now that i am earning my own living, i can't afford to repay them?
why is there the need of them still working at this old age?
i feel very sorry.

for well-being families, probably it doesn't hit them that badly because their parents are independent financially but too bad, i don't fall into the same category. My parents are not financially doing well, unlike how we used to many years back, before my dad got sued by government for bribery in his business. They earn only enough, and never have extra for anything else, for leisure.

I wish I could, afford a better living for them, the SAME one that they used to offer me.

being parents, they never want me to repay, from every aspect.
they do not want monthly allowance from me, even though they are not doing well but at the same time, they are also worried of my financial status. No matter how many times i assured them i earn more than enough, they still turn down my offer.

i do the very least i could now, trying my best to give them the luxury they used to have.

THEN:
food-lover dad didn't mind the cost or distance that we need to pay or travel, at all, for the thrill of our tastebuds!
NOW:
i bring them for good food, or sometimes expensive dinners whenever i have the chance to. From street food to 5-star buffet to fine dining, you name it.

THEN:
who says you could only travel during holidays?! with my dad, we used to travel averagely ONCE A MONTH!!! although we never used to travel overseas but it was enough luxury for us to stay in at expensive hotels or resorts on each and every one of our getaways.
NOW:
i try my best to plan trips for them, paying for their accommodations & if necessary, transportation to beaches in Malaysia; at the same time, hoping that my parents get some time being together, as an old partner for many years to each other, away from the children and tension life they have here.


if you think i'm doing a great job - NO, I AM NOT!!!

what i want is, REALLY offering them a WHOLE PACKAGE of life:
a house, a car, allowance, leisure, etc.

they deserve it!
but i can't affod it...
so what shit am i talking bout now?

sometimes i am frustrated with myself, at the pace of me building my career path. I should have done something better few years back and by now, i should be able to share their burden but i know, it's no use having these thoughts...

i'm giving myself another 5 years
daddy mummy, please be patient and bear with me for another 5 years.
i MUST achieve what i wish for, to repay both of you the luxuries & love that you had been drowning me with. I'm a grown-up now, and it's no longer just a kiddo conversation that i said, "when i grow up, i wanna buy a house for daddy mummy"... this round, i'm going to make it come true.

Please, stop aging.
It hurts me.

I love you, dad & mum.